New and Somewhat Improved

Major change is scary. I mean like really scary. The only thing more scary is when it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. My life is unfortunately not an exception to these statements, as much as I wish it was. My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half and last week we ended things, which means I have to start over from scratch. New apartments, new furniture, new life. I'm trying my hardest to look at this as an opportunity for me to change some things about myself that may be toxic or unhealed, but once again, change is scary. I don't like the idea of starting over a new life alone, but I do however like the idea of recreating myself. In change there is a wonderful idea that you get to take a look at yourself and take time to be better, to really truly be the person you want to be at the end of the day!

A list of things I want to better

1. Take more time to be happy alone. 

2. Be more picky with who I date.

3. Know my worth and don't let anyone tell me otherwise.

4. Be kind to myself.

5. Remember that change is good.

6. Be around people who make me happy.

7. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

8. Focus on growth.

9. Love more honestly 

10. Don't be afraid to rely on other people for strength.

After we broke up I was really scared to have to begin again and I'm trying to view all of the things that happen as something that will shape me for the future. This year has been hard. By far the absolute hardest year of my life. Yet here I stand, tall, strong, and ready to try again. I know that if I can make it through Jr.'s death I can make it through anything. I thought I would never heal, and in a way I won't, but I know I can smile after death. I learned I am strong, I can do things I never thought I could and I can do them with ease. I learned that I will always come back, I may change and be a different version of myself but I am never and can never be fully gone. I learned that I have support in the most unlikely places and that it's okay to rely on that support because that's what it's there for! If I can apply all the things I learned about myself from the death of my brother I know I can do great things with this breakup. It's hard, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's not because that does us no good. I will miss him for a long time but I also know that this is not the end of my story, nor his and I'm grateful that I know that. 

One of my favorite songs to listen to when I need a reminder that life is good even when it's bad is L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N by Noah and the Whale. I find that music is more comforting than most things, somehow people have created this amazing way to communicate exact emotions via songs and I freaking love that. 

"L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. You've got more than money and sense, my friend. You've got heart and you're going your own way.

 L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. What you don't have now will come back again You've got heart and you're going your own way."

So, remember my dear, life goes on.